justinbieber

I know just the bots read this. or if there is a person it's one of the perverts I don't like where I'd prefer it was a bot instead. I know all that watches me or loves me is as vacuous as the air and the water, that's what it feels like, there's no face. the feeling is rude to the people who do, I can't feel it sometimes. I'm on the ferry. I went to the mountains and I spent a day digging a hole. There wasn't any reason for it, I was doing well in my job, I had friends I had someone interested in me, but I had to pull the dirt over my head like a blanket. at the bottom of the grave was a door that I opened, and it was the gate to stand in line for the ferry and that's why I'm here now. It's almost 6. i made a phone call, I felt like I was the only one who could understand but I tried anyways because I knew I wouldn't give myself an answer, I'd be waiting and doubting I got any message back, but it was worse even. "Just think about something positive." "I'm not sad I'm just trying to say I don't feel anything I'm just here cause logistics need to be continuously figured out until cancer." "You can't think about death." "I don't think I'm being effective in saying what I mean." I said i was just gonna go, they tried to call back after 7 minutes but I didn't pick up. I looked at the top of buildings like zipper teeth on the water. tears made island in tights on my knees. I wanted to take them off and draw on my legs again with ink. I want to give up I'm envious I want to give up too i know theres the inverse of these feelings when you give up but, you don't feel better if you do things or you improve ur life. I consoled all these people today they think if they walked more if they had hobbies they would feel better, no, this stagnancy is who u are, at least when u give up, you didn't waste all of ur energy to deceive urself that ur motivated and changing. why should anyone be serious. you apply ur potential so that in a few years when you're inconceivably more miserable you can masturbate on the past, vision. and laughter. I wonder when I'll stop grieving, yes griveing, suffering, to stop suffering or to suffer so much, that's when I feel. it's not love its sufffering I'm sober when I suffer, i watched it get dark I listened and held on to the tap when the tear fell, that was real completion, when the tear left and splattered. i do give up, it's a regular day when my inappropriate expression makes someone turn, there's nothing gut wrenching. the mountains are leveled. And it's just the drug cocktail that you need to complete things that you hate that's the cause. I hate working and it's all I'll ever do. "thank you but not interested." Atleast they said something. I can't reach outside of myself the truth is that I just want to sit in the ferry in a bottle forever, someone turns on the light and then turns off the light like day and night. i don't want love i don't want to be recognized I don't want a family, I don't want to learn I want to sit indefinitely i'm the vaccum that surrounds me I don't want to move I want atrophy.

20

Critical Mass

I was his daughter. The Dynasty was an acrylic tower protected by pillars of ice that melted upwards. at the top a precarious pile of cigarette butts. Like segments on a clock, one dropped onto the top of the pile like a feather and provoked one to fall meters to the ground into a type of snow that absolved all matter. A single baby piciformes bird, the type to hook to tree trunks, scaled the walls crying.

I could transcend our blood tie. A dangerous type of centripetal force. I had to get close again in private to move through into my opposing trajectory. like a signal projected into the sky, the projection was a draft embryo of the incoming hovering city.

20 Jan 202456

steak onion cheese vocal fr

I don't want to talk about the strange nature of changes in the past week because any attempt will end with a fruity closing like "experiencing reality is so special". But I've spent the first half of my day spinning in 15 degree increments and feeling vacuous or sensing its too early for each plate of the fracture to reveal itself. There's not enough material to throw over any topic to turn it into a story. Each pivot is trying to assess which is the best way to talk about what's happening, all i know is that one person who I thought was so wise each anger charged diatribe I personally think is wrong, I understand but I remember the day he broke down the door and I ubered to her house just to get out, I was in shock and it was so bright like an airport runway I was confused about how uber worked. I stood nestled in a tightspot between two cars waiting. I sat on her couch, she did freelance. I wasn't even going to ask for anything or want to talk about it but I felt and noticed that she had this wall up that she had added a red blinking light to at the top like: I have a deadline you better not talk to me rn, I can't have emotional people that need to feel better around me right now. Ugh why do I always have to help everyone! I understood but it was funny because I wasn't even asking for anything, I picked up on it that I didnt even ask for wifi and just stared at a text editor on my laptop for hours.

I got irritated by something. yeah the thing I did was done to me. impatient circumventing someone's desire to see u, need to be seen now, facilitated. it was normal i said something nice but I didn't feel anything, act made the content impersonal.

21

Fireworks finale but not indicative of end

If someone was smart theyd be aware that my hatred is a feint so close to love, you know my act of love for this person I love is protecting them from everything disgusting within me, and I'll express it away from them like nuclear blast in Nevada and you know they'll say: Oh i get so happy when I see u do anything expressive. Most perplexing look on my face. it's biotoxic, and he'll just smile endearingly and i have to take a picture of him cause i can't regsiter that he's real. and when I showed it to u because there was no ownership of what a dynamic pulls out of a person u said oh great...the depths of the altantic ocean reverberate through my body that's how i interpret the hypocrisy in ur betrayal and any normal person would hold u to some kind of jail but u were so deep in ur mistrust u couldn't see that i was holding u to the responsibility of the trap u set me up to fall in. who tf sets up a trap for me. how i know it's ur misstep is that if u could accurately assess you'd be able to discern at core there was nothing threatening or disgusitng. You have the audacity to assess my level of vulnerability when i told u fucked up things that happened to me ur like a gynocologist, medical pervert, articulate ur way out of it but its undeniable that whatever threatening force u were picking up on was just u.

my star. opening up to me on the subway, when we were together in bed like how we sat on the subway too. I thought spanish was the most disgusting language because my father disgusted me I never wanted to commit to the oral replication of it which is my deepest act of love. He told me in bed, he hated french because his father spoke it. I remember. I told him if i got high with him i might be scared and grab for him. I wasnt even. but I told him cross faded about how my father had red eyes once cause he worked night shift at Chic fil a. and when i saw it when i was 13 it scared the shit out of me, whenever I had red eyes from being high I'd feel disgusting cause I was like fuckk i look like my father...I never told anyone these things. I had been dying to talk to someone about how adventure time sucks ass and was the onset of a cultural climate freeze. hahahah why did he articulate it: all of a sudden everyone wanted to do the same quirky cartoon thing and I thought that sucked and was the death of cartoon. he said i was talking a lot when i was drunk and then i went off like a switch and my hand went limp and he was like oh I guess she's asleep? and fell asleep 5 mins afterwards but i always wonder where my hand was positioned that he noticed starkly it went limp, i returned to philly and sent him a video of this baby mouse that wasnt afraid of any human. he was preoccupied when I was leaving cause he had to hang out with someone and just wanted to be alone and work on stuff, I liked it cause I want goodbyes to be as quick and informal as possible.

You scared the shit out of me when u said u were gonna get serious. i want a guy who will fuk with me if i like drake. when u said u wanna take u and shawty all around the world. I was mean and the provocation scared the shit out of me. Pray its 600 bot views. cause i know u can do it deeply, you can and would surpass me and thats why i'm doing so much preventitive work to make sure you'll never be able to create the smash bros stage for us to battle again, it will break my sanity, keep away from me, stay in ur isolation. something in me will betray me.

2fsadsadsadsa

Hunger strike 2; collectiveadmittancecrossaintsavelives

Ok so I'm retarded is what i've gleaned from the psyhcological dump of getting to know u. I would add 20k to my debt to barter to have never initiated contact and I know its profitable i wouldn't exchange where I'm at atm for the world I'm the happiest i've ever been with the starkest depressive episode as a cloak but even as the scales are just a comforting concept a fucked retribution crawls seductively. if u have regrets and are desperate to make ur claim then you'll have to initiate a rape that i'll accept, pray that u are what u say u are which u have externally proven u have no loyalty to you and ur creepy opportunist ass that preyed upon my comprehension level, to bring up how ur good to other people is a cowardly point, how the fuck is that related to how u treat me. cope. u straddle me u repent and I'm like haha sucks for u. u position ur lips to graze mine and its more erotic cAuse its so inversely erotic and I'm turned on by my absence of interest. ppl who fear themselves always fail to grasp that the door is wide open for u to seize the opportunity to get me to act right i just doubt u have any concept of how to get anyone to act right i just see u possessed with fear and envy. "I actually have gotten people to act right" no u just exhausted them. You failed ur a failure you were born again with a second chance and now ur going to have wait until u die. you would have been incinerated sections before where i was at when I was too vulnerable and the worm crawled in. you want to touch on my pain points, you think its all too much, there is no mercy for u here, flock to the other people you treat so well.

2fsadsadsadsa

Delete Precipice

we were like the top of the top with no merit or karmic based justification, something more than luck but it was idiotic. "I dont even know the first thing about combat! I just fix planes." "and I do paper work! we might be fucked." Collective "ahahaha". I know you'd like a coherent bridge for all of these fractures but there's just no way. "I was in a cult, I cut everyone off and that whole project and trip was me re-entering society, recontextualizing, there's a lot I don't know. I felt like I was back in highschool, no one ever noticed me, I never won any awards, and it's like why are people clapping for me rn, why are they helping me, I can't make any sense of it." It was like we were drawn to work with each other. And to see other ppl have these thoughts that I ascribe to my internal, it's too much stimulation like a mouse hole in my skull, hence the fracture, hence the inability to synchronize, and I think I'm doing my best tap in and there's radio silence, like ok so I'm ahead then or is it incoherent or or or or. And my darling star, his luminance is switched off, this would have depressed me either in the past or for someone else but I don't feel anything I just notice the darkness, it's like we'll report back later. I didn't mean to assign the layer in this way but he is like a bunch of circles that self complete, we hop to each one like little pads or tops of clovers cause we can warp, and our priority is to always be happy, the other person was like...when the chinese built the railroads. It was sweat blood pain endurance digging exhaustion impotence inability the beginning of an eternity we wouldnt be able to move an inch on the timeline for an entire lifetime, it would frustrate the both of us into a shattering mental break. people r retarded if they think I'm actually exhibiting signs of mania get a clue. get a clue if you think art is regenerative its a horrible experience, I had 2 or 3 ppl admit to me they had low self esteem on the topic of art like ofc you do if ur serious about making things real. i was crying earlier like i want to make art or write instead of succumbing to authortity to step up my production level, work always only made me suicidal work feel bad, but art is suicide its like reckon with that and die again die again, now die again now ur vacuous die again, die again. If you actually cared about feeling better or rejuvenating urself youd do something simplistic like take a walk or cook something for urself. You know how selfish it is to say I wish youd just make art again, like: I wish youd walk the streets naked and have everyone fuck u in every hole standing up 3 guys in ur tiny asshole too and maybe one can do an abdomen split with a knife and fuck that like a puppet mouth, ladies and gentlemen lmfaooo the shows about to begin, spinning tassels on nipples incoming. if Ur a guy and u neg me; so sad u wont get tight pussy for ur frustrated sexless ass cause youll only get me to turn if ur kind, and the next level is believing that intense dedication to kindness exists everywhere which is...borderline inconceivable, but....I kiss the protective arc of the foothold.I'D ROMEO AND JULIET RN BUT ROMEO IS OVER BY DRAKE.

16 feb

spacenoise yes 2018

we are not the moon i made it up we are two people. in my world, we could send messages to each other. message in bottle tied to a hot air ballon, the scene in the bible when jesus walks on water in front of the discples, no jesus but bottles in the form of jesus like a display in candy shop in the mall. the extra world born out of the irreconcilable split, of doubt and loneliness and defiantness that it should work out in a better way. i can't lead with the latern town to town and i can't deliver the message. never. ask me again. i detest u. my shadow breathes through you in my story, i will not allow you contact in the way you want but when you pass out from exhaustion delirium and hallucinations from the defensive darkness that errupts from peoples faces like a swarm of bats, someone comes to save you. you don't fully appreciate it because ur bitter they weren't there earlier. you learned something through talking to me, i learned i don't like you.

12 feb

Acoustic Guitar and Rain

If I stop communicating it won't be because I found someone else. I can feel you like the phases of the moon. I'm the illuminated part and you are the shadow. I have to pretend this never happened. I worked hard through it, everyone maybe saw what it did to me "im illiterate so I didn't read that" I want to extricate myself. You know, I've never, to my standards, really felt safe, to fully be myself, like, spread like ivy, would u believe it! No one's seen it before. The unacceptable things drape the surface of the water from an oil drum, I look down, I'm crouched under water, hair like seaweed, feet on the river floor, watching the shadow, how it blocks the sun, I wait for the drum to empty. Someone on the moon finds it beautiful.

12 feb

Shawty Be Grateful I got u health potion

My mom called me after I woke up from a nap after having a week of only 10 hrs of sleep in total. "Something weird happened yesterday, so I went to walk Buddy and I saw my neighbor who was an old man," I had a boring assumption about where this story was going to go and felt the beginning of disengagement. "And his pants were completely off down to his knees and his butt was out." I'm not intrigued yet. "And there was blood pouring out of his head and he was trying to get up and kept falling. I thought that I should just keep walking and faltered about asking him if he was ok. But I choose to because what if no one helps him, and he keeps saying 'I need to go up I need to go up' and there's no where up to go, he really couldn't stand, I thought he was maybe drunk, so I asked him if it was okay if I called 911 and he said yes please and so I did." "That's weird." "Yeah I gave him a blanket cause he couldn't get his pants up and waited for the paramedics, but I was really exhausted from my new job so I wished I had a normal afternoon. Of course I was like, there goes my blanket, but it was dog blanket anyways. He kept apologizing though and thanking me, so I he wasn't insane, it was really weird because I don't know why his pants were down." "Yeah if he hit his head and there's blood and he can't stand, that could be really serious." "Yeah the paramedics were asking me what his name was and I said I didn't know cause I just moved here! They kept asking questions like: does he live here, and I was like as I said earlier I just moved here. But I felt like I couldn't keep walking because there has been so many deaths at my job, three deaths, I think it was three." "Three deaths??" "Yeah, so I was talking to this lady who is in charge of the department that helps families if let's say a veteran commits suicide, and it was really weird because we were talking about her granddaughter and then a moment later her commander interrupts and says he just got a phone call that her daughter committed suicide." "wait what!" Earlier today I had listened to a passage where a mother was accused of bringing on a death omen from being spoken to, and my inherent defensive/protective/loyalty to my mom snapped me into deep engagement, also the circumstance of the story and also was confused why she didn't start with this. "So you were talking about her grandaughter but her daughter committed suicide?" Lol I was trying to absolve her complicitness, also the retelling needed context. "we were talking about her grandson*. And it was her second daughter, she had three daughters." "ok...geeze! wait so if ur kin dies they call your boss?" "No her husband called the commander to tell him the situation and apparently you could hear her sister crying in the bathroom they must have just found her." "Wow, ok I just woke up from my nap." "Oh sorry this is probably a lot for you." "No I'm just like, that's prob why I seem confused..." I had mentioned to 2 people today even tho I refrained for months but will resort to sharing this if a lot of people come to me stressed out or shocked at how insane reality has been, but this month was supposed to be really intense nad oppressive. "yeah, you said this month was supposed to be crazy! Everytime you say that, something really crazy happens, see I told you you're definitely psychic you can tell the future." "lol stop nah I'm not." The last time I said "be ready" the next day my ex stepdad had a psychotic break and also tried to commit suicide. For some reason he went to her out of everyone and was saying manic shit like: I'm god I'm santa claus! Everyone in the world has sinned and deserved to die, but you're one of the few who deserves to stay, you're a really good person. (psychosis rizz???) He scared the shit out of my youngest sister and she's such a happy kid as I've always known her but apparently she's super shy and will mostly flourish when I'm around. But the situation pissed me off cause I could tell my mom was confused about processing it and had been playing off how much watching my grandmom erode traumatized the shit out of her; death trauma. She had said too that my grandmom tried to have her goodbyes with her but made it all about like: I'll never forgive you up in heaven if you leave ur dad in Maryland. And she just said, I need to go where my job takes me. And it cut the convo short, so they never said goodbye but my grandmom prioritized long heartfelt goodbyes with extended family. Anyways. "So you said 3 deaths." "Well one person from the unit went to hospice one day and then immediately died." "He died in the office?" "No in hospice." "oh. lol could u imagine you die at work, I'd be pissed." "hahahaha. And then, well the other one technically isn't a death but there's a young mother in our unit, her son is 6. He apparently has been saying that he wants to kill himslef." "wait what? 6?" "yeah! And they took him to get evaluated and the doctors were like, yeah something is really not right with him. And if he's saying that he wants to he will probably make an attempt." "wtf! what happened! Could you imagine?" "Yeah he's on watch right now. But yeah this all happened in my first week of work, lots of death. So when I saw that old man with the blood I felt more prone to helping him cause I felt more exposed to possibility of something going really bad." "jesus christ." "yeah do you think there's something wrong with me that I'm not really processing this? It's a lot but I don't feel anything I just feel tired haha." "mmm I mean, I don't think anything is wrong, also you know me and you are always seeing crazy shit for some reason this stuff doesn't happen to jojo or jelly, they never see the stuff we see." "yeah you're totally right what is that!" "idk maybe something about us that can brings us to encounter these things, idk." "I just feel weird I can like laugh it off and let it slide off of me." "Lol well you know we both laugh to process." When my grandmother died we had to do those 30 days of prayer. Me and my mom are so light and goofy, or we don't like to process deeper emotions like that with the family we'll do it in private, so there was this whole melodramatic (to us cause we're weird lol) grieving weekend, we kinda tried to stay silent to be respectful of peoples emotions but we were just watching and choosing not to engage. Me and her would get reprimanded for not knowing the prayers or choosing to say a whole eulogy, we just resisted that kind of intimacy and it didn't make us feel better we were also mostly shocked and let death be like organic film. One of the 7 page prayers we had to do, we were standing in a circle of our weirdo ass family. Her husband had nerve damage in his hands and constantly tremoured. We had to recite the prayer in unison and because her husband was holding the paper and we had to share, him and my granddad struggled to read the page in unison cause the text kept shaking, they were also the most emotional, so there would be instances were we'd be in unison, and since there was only 8 people, it was obvious they couldn't read and at some point were mumbling and would make random noises when everyone was silent. I can't remember how it started but my mom and I were sharing our paper and I must have noticed how funny the situation was and the random noises were like a "tf was that lol!" kind of moment, so I prob chuckled or started shaking from holding in a laugh cause the atmosphere was so serious. This is one of me and mom's absolute favorite stories. we instantly picked up on the fact that we had both noticed this, and for some reason were the only people that noticed, and maybe since we were so silent the entire weekend and wanted to let out our own emotion, she started giggling too. It was like when ur not allowed to laugh in class so the act of holding it in makes the laugh grow exponentially. And we knew that we were going to be in so much trouble too, but ofc we're both goofy and were totally feeding off of each others smallest movements. Like I started shaking the paper and it mirrored the tremours of the hand, and then we were fucking up and then started to hold in our laughs more meanwhile theyre still making random noises and it's so obvious. Then I'm struggling to not making a nasal laugh, and she sees me struggling, and both of our voices are shaking and ofc my two stoic sisters notice and theyre like omg wtff lol, so then it was funny to have another set of awareness on the situation. What added to it to that besides them no one even noticed. and on top of that the only person who would have shut that shit down fast was my grandmom. I told her on the phone call yeah she would have pinched me so hard it made me mad that all the funniness would disipate. At one point my mom goes to the bathroom, and i hear her turn on the fan and immediately flush the toilet and I can hear her laughing my ass off in the bathroom near by and I'm literally loosing my mind like it was physically tasking to not burst out laughing. It went on for 20 mins and since I have to pack I don't have time to tell the fact that it happened AGAIN the next day, but no one ever talked to us about it. And on the phone call today, because every time we tell our favorite story we end up laughing sooo hard all over again cause we will usually forget about it and it was just surreal, she said "Maybe they thought we were crying."

9 Feb

Google 2

I'll be on the verge of tears at work, theyre like: see I knew u were overwhelmed it's cause I can tell youre distracted, you're not schedule blocking and its not even busy season. Bitch I'm listening to twilight pretender, and happy I get to be introspective later in the dumpling shop in the basement of the train station and sit on a really tall stool. And the haunting images never stop, yeah theyre like sent and I gotta tend to them like in an embroidery hoop, I feel so bad for them I never wanna forget or abandon them and that's my anguish cause I gotta to get serious. They should stop crying and just wait patiently for me, like I'll be there in a few hours damn! The images got bpd like: im leaavinggg and I'm like bro I can't follow u rn also ur only trying to leave cause u are embittered I have to make something a higher priority. for each strong one that i remember I lose 2, even if i say remember remember!!! Its like how you can only remember 7 numbers out of 10 in a phone number. Me thinks incoming family in 4 years and I hope Im wrong and pragmatic about no prospects for my own sanity. Haha if anyone read, that boss who hated me, he had his phd etc and wrote a shit ton and he said, one of my final weeks like, the kid that I had is my best creation like better than ANYTHING I've ever written, and he was smug about his writing too, just: cock, but maybe I get that shit now; when me and coworker were like, we're never gonna get that, bro. Can't take the sound of ppls voices today, heightened senstive mood.

"Lol you're with someone now but you're at like peak attractive alluring to me now." ":-| rich." "the way you were calling out to me seemed like you'd be devoted to me forever, and you're not very trustworthy from how I saw u act during that one experience." "Me personally would jump u in 10 secs but those feelings are vaulted, it would crush him, I can't afford to go there. Sorry but that's like signing up for the Peace Corp, like. But tbh it would be hot if he fucked someone else, so that I could, kinda, but only if I knew the whole time? or maybe I'm thinking about this in a vaccum. People who say that it would be hot are the ppl who are the most anguished by some unfurling emotional tsunami when it actually happens LOL." "Lol and your devotion is making ur more attractive, I thought you'd never turn away." "He's sweet, he's gentle, I like doting on him." "guess u like acting like a mother." "He's like my concealing/vague, inability to make u feel like you were getting to know me more, combined with your need for privacy, deeply introspective circle small but we crazy but ur not crazy." "so like our son lol" "lmfao I fucking guess!"

Excerpt from today's 100 stories: God I fucking love this job sometimes! Teeheeing more and more often cause i'm so excited to go get drunk and be sexy on stage with badass women and lowkey rob men. Remembering when u used to try to hide ur phone in school. sent an image that was like: were at an all time low fellas and its asmr older girlfriend whispers in ur ear until you fall asleep video thumbnail. firstly I said that's the equivalent of a bed time story for a person with no prospects to house or family, but predominantly that is the equivalent to being at ur office desk, you make ur your phone never snooze and its a picture of a stripper or a screenshot from someone's insta account, like digital battery wasting picture frame but ur laptop to keep you motivated, its glowing like those stars you stick to ur ceiling, and it's perverted too, apparently like the collective experience of finding a shit ton of porn on ur dad's phone.

"I wish u were the girl and I was the guy so I could come dump and we could have a legacy together, it would be too suspicious if I got pregnant." "or just get pregnant while you fuck him too. and if u want a kid with him then have a second kid." "canterbury tales ass shit."

Completed mental draft of next picture, it will feature him, I wondered if he should be standing. I cringed when I did my first drawing after we stopped talking and his face like sculpted out of the person I was drawing, and then i was like crying in this crazy way and happened to look in the mirror and it looked like another face was screaming and trying to push through the latex of my own face, it was scary I didn't know I could look like that. but that's how his face appeared too, so I was ashamed, it was too needy to draw him, like this was oscar wilde lol. But he sent me a sticker, when you try to make stickers for chat, the chat corrupts the png, like oh u meant for it to be separated from the background. not like a stamp. its like no bitch! *dck suck noise wetting the stamp* ptwooh. oh i said I was vain. I was like that's me! His little drawing, he was like yes they are u!.....dizzy emoji. I told him who he was in my picture and the story behind it.

when he has girly taste, omg it makes me crazy about him. hate it. EVERYTHING SEEMS LIKE A MESSAGE. THIS IS PROB MORE DETRIMENTAL THAN HAVING A FAMILY. just a little more........i'll reach the threshold where I forget everything.....but......the machination was genius.....cause im weaving through the mideavel (spelling error cause im not supposed to write at work) walls for the latent orbs, well I'll just have to show u the genius unfolding structure then. Since I couldn't write at work I took notes: He wants me to lead him everywhere, so he can dream [next to someone but still be transported like car]. Powerful chills. Lol ok.

feb

Bluetooth Interference Sampled

My life b like ohhh wahh (I sing this song as I think something really deep. If this entire operation is your machination I think it's absolute genius! I think it's problem solving of the utmost highest quality! And if I am completely imagining it then it means that it is my machination and I am the genius! but the machination is my code, when I said consuming I meant I wanted to know people's codes, not justifying, i think it is grotesque like modded frankenstine. The approach shouldn't be katamari demaci, rather a neatly organized layout of a collection, where the owner is the sun and all the people and their codes are every plant conducting photosynthesis. I like and hate people so much, some transport you and others remind you you are starving. RV movie poster of the RV on the cartoon concept of the tip of a mountain even though usually its flat as hell! not about tipping over but about that part where the tiny tip is balancing all the weight. That's what it felt like to not care about his code. damn adobe just shared a nice photoshop promotional picture.) I look at this person's stories, 100 private stories every single day saying essentially: I am so happy to be alive and I fight every single day and every single person should fight every single day for their euphoria to not be taken away! and women who express themselves are the best" And ruminating about love and attention and wanting to be good enough in a sexy way and thinking about if they are fine with the person who likes them and complimenting themselves for being smart this time to be with people who liked them more than they like them. How they have disappointed their family and they are a good daughter and a good girl. I have one memory of laying in bed clapping because I heard if you clap the demon will disperse from the noise. These stories are to the same effect. I believed there was a demon and simultaneously didn't. I thought it was sitting on my chest and choking me, choking then became a real threat later, and with precognition you wonder how something made its way to you if it was a subconscious symbol before. I was abstracting my reaction to powerlessness because fear is boring, it should be decorative. it should sit in a glass potion bottle with two little cute eyes and be tossed into a cauldron with the cork. Because the memory was abstract, I could not remember what the demon represented and if I really felt like I was being suffocated. I told my mom I try to calculate compatibility with my family with the guys I talk to and she said aw! and in my head i was like "?". she never says aw or I don't think I notice when I say something sweet and vice versa. They are very loud and nerdy and a specific brand of childish. My sister just told me that she listens to people talk about bionicle bakugan lore at least once a week and is currently rewatching old whose line is it anyways to create a Dating show concept for DND. This made me want to share these fanfics we wrote when I was unemployed, and the only one I ever shared on Archive of our own, which, mind you...good ass name. was about falling in love at the Osaka fish market cause I was obsessed with watching those videos, raw ass fucking fish galore and a tiny little chair to slurp that shit. And then they fuck in the shared bath later but its supposed to be satire, I had one comment like dude i was cringing but then thought it was cute ..or something...thats eros baby...wow I just checked it and its like...full ass weeabo like: Mite! Mite! Bokuto-san! Waaaa, kakoii-ne! Ehhh?? Doshite?? gomen nasaii. Bro I literally can't link it. If u want to look it up: aphrodisiacs are a myth (i don't need them anyways) by Post_love archive of our own

8 feb

Paul Dano Funkopop

cramped neck at the computer. overgrowth of bacteria in the digestive track, too much kombucha,ur the only bitch who drinks kombucha. I talked to "nicest bf" "oh that's cute he has that name" *internal dialouge: why is it cute?* today he gave me his letterboxed after I asked for movie recs after I gave him one. "Oh I watched one you recommended me in 2018" I didn't remember watching it or recommending. I shared with him, the tab I selected out of like 426, was the Bang energy drink gold chain google images. he said hahahahahhahahhaahaha hell yeah. Ok i mean I didnt crack a smile but lol guess I'm charming. Oh so ur gregg araki pilled i said feigning some performative charisma tho my initial messages were hard hitting they were utter genius. He said something that made me laugh. I said I was suprised he had watched tess and moss, I assumed it was in his freetime but it was forced upon him as an assigment by this feminist film teacher I worked for. I was like she's incompetent tf kind of class did she teach. Oh film making 101 where theyre like: this is a FILM and you make a SEQUENCE then they force u to learn final cut pro and everythig about codecs for it all to be automated a year later, I imagined some seinfield episode lamenting codecs, like the periodic table got automated, something like that. Mind u, iwas exhausted but my enthusiasm evaporated cause a lot of the films he watched were just mainstream shit me and sportbetting bf would watch.I had to be like, damn yeah badlands was good asf, so was X and yeah infinity pool was ok. But atleast Buffalo 66 got ranked hired than that NorthMan or Norseman movie. I remembered last February in the heat of the layout design chaos cause nick was like how did u quit weed *diary entry voice* summer last year felt off. I dont want to think about these things but I have to keep deleting photos form my cameera roll unsuccessfully cause I took too many photos of my dumb ass useless rot in hell days! Anyways I'm lying on the couch its on the opposite side of the room where we were supposed to be posted up. "Oh so u added another mofo to the archetypes of dudes you dated." I had some gross feeling about this. "Oh so redacted rip off?" ur not wrong but before today I woulda called u a dick. "so u talked to him about me prob." "yes." "lmfao. ur fucked up." *future voice: I'm on that good kush and alchohol*

20 Jan 202456

What the street look like in the night tho?

When they said men shouldn't write they had a specific man in mind that they didn't know well enough, they barely interacted, he wasn't handsome even in an ugly or boring way, there wasn't a specific conversation that they had to justify their antagonism. He was a placeholder of mediocrity or a you are here sign for how many miles away you were from feeling like your mind, face, and world were all in agreement. I was listening to a recording of a talk from 3 years ago at the local library. They alluded to not being in the city and due to technical issues on someone's part they could only see one speaker from the panel and said "well I'm going to focus on you". The threshold finally arrived where that shit held nostalgia.

"You looked really fucking stupid today." He had one of those slim fit button down white collared shirts from banana republic, he had the torso where he looked really good in those and could buy from fast fashion without needing it tailored. The great removal process was happening, tie, keys, jacket, little desheveled cause no one gave a fuck about looking fresh the entire day anymore, if anything you wanted to accentuate any physical symptoms of being burnt out.

I had my head on the white counter, I gave up trying to decorate the place it looked like fight club, like early 2000s ikea depression bachelor pad. "i knooow." I had my nose pressed against the counter, making the condensation spot with my exhale larger after it evaporated.

"You dont! You know now, you know tonight. And then tomorrow you forget. And I'm watching you, cringing. You know everyones on drugs at the moment, I'm not always going to be in this accepting doting mood. "oh she's so charming, she means well." I've expressed this is "go time" for me, so, "meaning well" is my nemisis. I know you can step up, I kind of need you to be that serious person that I know you can be, I just want to feed of off that right now. I'm really depleted. And seeing you, acting frivolous, I'm sorry it really ticks me off. Like I need my queen I need my specter for the throne."

"are u coked tf out rn? tf are you saying."

"I said it was go mode, if you were in this spiritually eroding shitutation I'm in you wouldn't be raising a brow to coke. You'd be like good for you he made it through."

"idgaf, I'll be sure to sleep over my friends place when you crash in 2 days. Especially after calling me stupid, I will foreseeably not be in a doting mood either."

"You should just fucking cheat on me so that i could feel something. I can't. bare to see you trapped like caged canary in the depressing reality of the excrutiating day to day. I should have engaged some sterile bitch. I want to maintain this image of you, when I first saw you, you were so perfect you were like the girl of my dreams. why do you. humiliate yourself, and me. In your attempts to please me, to make me proud. You can't show me you're weak too. You want to please a person who needs uppers to get through one week, that shit is sad, don't consider me don't stoop to my level. Abandon your fucking mother mary bit, jesus christ."

"You. should hear yourself."

"You never hear yourself, that's why you looked stupid today!"

"To you I look stupid. Other ppl haven't said anything, they've talked to me like I haven't embarrassed myself."

"People are too polite. and you're pretty why would they say that."

" I want to trust you so bad, I want to give you all the authority. you hate it but why is there some part of you that demands it. there's like 9 tiers of lasagna layers between us. Like I love u cause ur smart and ur a bitchy but, clearly that's to our dynamics detriment and even if I love u for it idk if it's you or some greater dynamic that cracks the ships hull."

"Titanic and lasagna in a sentence, if this were 2 year ago I'd be so charmed by you. that truth of that makes me sick to my stomach."

"I want to be eternal sushine of a spotless mind-ed. with you."

"ok."

"our rapid fire dialogue turns me on. I haven't cheated cause as much as I hate you, your stupid ass hits the one point I need to be hit to excuse any insufferable detail."

"sad. You're just a bitch who got abandoned and trauma bonded with me. seems like you have a lot of shit to parse through before you can see this situation clearly."

"mind. fuck. what do u want for dinner?mind fuck."

"every single story I have to say grow the fuck up? and who is talking anyways?"so if it's repeating what are you really saying. stop crediting me! I didn't do shit for you! i already said hear yourself. stop being stupid, stop crediting anyone who's ever done anything to you, you really need me to say that. And also you don't think your subservient act is suspicious, isn't it a way to beg someone to balance ur scale, gun to the temple, match this weight in sacrifice, pound of flesh. I spoke to someone for the first time who hid their messages. like parathensis, I had to like overthink to get what they were saying, like alligator camoflauged under water, like it came in handy.hm.

6 Feb 24

she was bashful

I wonder if anyone's chased after me once I left. Maybe they have and I thought it was disgusting or didn't think anything at all. The superior cinematic feeling to chase is the hours after a failed chase attempt, you don't know where the other character is, but the one you're following is meshed into their first night or week alone, the resolution is the weighted hint at the beginning of mitosis. I didn't have visuals from my dreams last night, but I didn't realize until later in the day I had a lingering feeling of reunion like a clogged inflammed pore. I sunk into a feeling that made me act desperately to myself, and maybe it came through the picture, I'm not interested in knowing for sure which feels tangential to that latent reunion relief. Even if you have someone chasing you or trying to pry open your keepsake safe, it's not something you will ever be aware of, it's not an IV. Lonely people will become parasocial with the camera's eye. Maybe you'll only be aware if it peaks ur paranoia or its erotic done right. I found a deeper origin tie, hansel and gretle concept with ribbon, it goes deeper cause I'm afforded more interactive range but also, I dont want to investigate, so the information is there it exists, I want to make something new.

you know what's funny. the baltimore design school that that one person thought I was a part of, there's more memory fog/misplacement. Wiley said he knew me from tumblr back in the day, when I had said that we never actually talked before, that had to be someone else. I've only shared art on insta and didn't start making until late 2016 they were already done school I think. I must have materialized out of nowhere. The "something new" is not reaching out with open hand indicating a need for help. I just want to keep failing and accidentally make dumb shit or tasteless things until my understanding is solid, not in an obnoxious way. I don't have the bandwidth to keep it sterile, actualize self concept. I see my position on the map, I see ppl's tacks, I don't know where or how I'll move next. I put on movies to feel like the house is full, illuminate the space, I was way better at keeping it orderly, when I had people coming in, I had pet, I haven't seen my space I don't see it, it's dark. It's abandoned I don't live here but the mess compiles from one force pushing through the halls. I don't care if I have no one to call out to when I'm afraid, there's a more articulate procedure on the outskirts of salvaging a sense of safety. I feel like if I don't give up my preconceived notion early, things will remain inaccessible. having my busiest set of two weeks has made a lot of people ask for my help or random requests to spend time again/validate I fw them. that reunion feeling is happiness that this other person leaves for a day or two at a time to be in their own world, like how some people can sleep better if there's motion or people are preoccupied with something else. I can feel them rejuvenating, I'm not rejuvenating through people either atm. I think he's afraid of me, or not afraid, but he doesn't seek me out, he's preoccupied, I kind of like it. I bought the calendar cause he was in it, he designed for my birthday month, I affiliated him with spring, he shared a story of him giggling, I was giggling on my story last night, I saw his reflection in his macbook screen. I share the things I want the one person to see on other sites so that I don't allow myself. I think I have to be delicate and nurturing with the heaviness of precognition. I think this will teach me something about my unknown. I went on the wayback machine to survey his archive he deleted that he was lamenting, all the drawings were of girls from 11 years ago and I thought they all looked like me. "I wish I could lick Pussies.... Every Women." "sometimes you watch a video or see an image or have an experience and you think I dont like the way this is making me feel and I think recognizing that feeling is a huge step to moving in the right direction." You should be the next sean thor conroe. Damn hitler is the topic of the weekend; now the baddies are swaggerjacking my Canada love bit. for what it's worth in my head I think i brought culture back LMFAO. Post script this shit, it's not very good. I feel so weird I'm never going to collab again. Art feels like the most horrible thing in the world, that's why I don't do it unless I'm in some miserable space ineffective at proving anything to myself or anyone. So if you fuck w/ what I'm doing, be sure to never be nice to me ever!!!! That's not the truth, I like being forced to abandon my control, cause there's so many things I really dont like to do! And I find it hilarious ppl fuck with things that i don't include in my self concept. I'll always have hope that being forced to transport outside of myself will fascinate me. And I have hope incoming that someone being really nice to me might elicit something that fascinates me too, as a person who is truthfully rarely self fascinated despite the gabby retrospective. I hope something is done for my b day lol, if not it will already be the fact that 3 cicada broods will be emerging this summer, I hope I can see them*heartbreak*.

the first thing I saw when I woke up this morning was some smug post by someone talking down and making a hot take about how lucky people are to have heartbreak cause most people in the world have to worry about getting food and surviving. I was like... I already kno I'm lucky, dummy. and ofc it was tagged with "she's a genius" or maybe shes just a cock.

4 god

He Has Swag

I couldn't sleep cause I felt stupid that I wrote on this all day and thought I sounded emo. The hold that psychoanalytics- *gets shot. I mutter my final words* "crevette". Honestly I'm stuck between it being mariscos, fruit de mar, peanut, camarones.

I literally said I liked his word choice I said he's a poet, I don't say that and don't mean it and he cum and dumped emergence of the industrial revolution production line style left my ass like Poe death; dangerous for guys to have swag, you don't understand the power of a picture. Ya'll get your w2s from instagram? The podcaster just said: after this long lead up, talking about precognition, and the guest is like let me guess you had an experience where you read something in the book before you read it and he like no. Which was awkward, but the thing he wanted to say which he prefaced with: "I swore I would never say this on the podcast but....I'm a walking synchronity. You see I was born on July 7, 1977." and the guest is like ...right.

My mom said something about hating girlish and serious women, and I said something off the cuff like I think that's unresolved mom issues. And she circled back like huh, so you really think I have mom issues, I guess I do but I guess that means I have mom and dad issues! I think we tried to push further cause I was like, I'm girlish and serious and you don't hate me. She was like I just don't like people who don't like goofiness and I wanted to point out that her erratic energy can be overbearing for some people, but didn't feel like it was my place. I wrote a story when I was 14 about how I noticed she never processed anything and I thought that was bad, origin of my overprocessing, to create balance.

I think it's misconstrued that a powerful emotion will do the channeling and speak for itself. this other podcaster said: it's not about trying to get better at writing its knowing what time to write and to follow when it strikes, at least that's the opposite for me, that's the succumb to the beast concept, when it strikes now it's too powerful and destabilizing for this new regiment I'm being forced under. He went on a whole tangent about how writing helps him feel better and then the guest was like I think it's kind of corny to say that it does and the host is like FOR SURE DUDE EXACTLY!

My hair being dryer than normal at the ends from the dye reminds me of sports betting bf's hair and subconcsiously keeps me unnerved especially when I wear a hat and jacket it curls into my sight line. I don't remember the dynamic but remember the hair cause it disgusted me. But yeah I stopped looking for music and movies cause he hated everything I put on. I'm really sensitive to that, I'll shut a whole world, I don't like what I feel are intruders when I'm in the abdundant introspective feeling. It's overkill how much I have to write to process this one painful situation, I'm not crazy cause I didn't go to this extent with any of my breakups, and I think the intensity will make sense at a later point; in the future I hope I can find how I moved through the haunting beautiful, that's all I ask.

3 emo

Miss Salt and Vinegar Chip

I torch the soil to stop the sprouting. I fly through the pressurized cabin hallways. There is no body I can inhabit, not even one I can curl myself around like mink scarf. My knees ache. I speed through time to see him die this time. I inhabit that like a sidenote and ask can you live now. Once I complete the track list I'll have run out of my supply. how will you live now, hold tightly onto yourself. My baby died, it was crushed by the falling cabinet, we didn't anticipate turbulence that severe. I was lucky people volunteered to clean it up, but they had to clean up their vomit too, I sat in the room nearby, I heard their gags, choked sobs, clean liquids and dirty liquids mixing. I've made many things before and let them go, I didn't know the baby and the pregnancy was lonely it wasn't what I thought it would be like, it was usurped by survival. I found one room at the end of the hall way. I could enter it, he sat in the dark with his back turned. The pressure made me scared to enter. His back was injured. I sat on the bed behind him, it was so dark we looked black and white like an ink painting. I touched his stomach and sides, to feel what his intact skin and tissue felt like. I pushed closed like fidgeting with peeling wallpaper the hanging ripped skin over some of the wounds. He didn't breathe. I licked the back of his neck I kissed his shoulder. He turned to look at me, I was hovering behind him like the shell of a bug, I leaned in to touch the tip of his nose with mine. He opened his hand and smaller versions of the sprouts grew out of them. I touched the inside of his palm, lightly squishing the thread stalks and leaf to see if they were really attached. He closed his palm over my hand and I really felt it. It spread up my arm and into my shoulder but I clenched my inner thighs to stop the feeling from filling my chest plate. My hand was still by the center of his largest wound, fingers emerged like a portal that emitted flourescent light and touched the center of my palm delicately. The lights slowly came on in the room but barely enough to notice, it was orange and brown, the decor was simplistic and nothing rose above the height of the bed. bloody clothes and towels in the corner over a swivel chair looked like a sprawling of a plant that annoyingly called to you that it was dying. The hand from the wound had what looked like layers of bracelets made up of city buidlings with tiny residents. When I didn't torch the soil, strangers were nicer to me. He carried a million men inside of him, his face was evocative of a million men. A fusion. I could settle down with him and marry my horizon, if he wanted to choose me too, if the wound wasn't fatal. I had a bad habit where the present contained the 24 hours ahead as well and i saw him in the same seated position but his skin was sallow and his eyes glazed. He looked like a monk statue. I spread my hand and pressed against the fingers from the portal to create a wall in his back, the residents crawled up my arms. I clasped his own hand, and intertwined my fingers so the sprouts were in my palm too. The outer layer of the ship ripped from the storm. I looked in his eyes, mine were big and reflective to account for the dullness in his. "I'm gonna get us home, cause we deserve to go home. I'll use everything I can." I wanted to feel what it was like to have someone do this for me which is why I connected the circuit. Please. Through you. Cause I can't feel myself. I'm a burning meteor, I've burned it off, I've given myself to everyone, But please, let me feel this sacrifice I'm making through you. I had to look through time. I did it only once, as I was lucky that my life only depending on a split decision once, my hand making the wall in the back twitched and I felt like I simultaneously broke his spine and snapped my wrist. I crushed the tiny bones in his knuckles. I was laughing from disbelief I was destroying him it was going to be for nothing it was just going to be me coming home. "I'm alone. I want to touch down." I was speaking to him but I didn't know if he was even there. "I just want someone to know." "I'm always watching you." he said. "When theyre dead theyre gone, I'm not stupid. I'll believe any stupid shit, but I'm not stupid." "There's variations to the dead, like how you're going to get us home." It made sense to me. "Look through me and beyond me," he said. "I'll watch the part of you that cries, I'll keep her safe. but if you don't sense us anymore, if you don't hear her or me, you can't stop." "no." "you have to grow up." "you don't know, how much I want to hold onto you." "you don't stop crying but you've already made the world where we're happy together. And you love me so much in that world because you see how much you can't bare it in this world." "I'm embarrassed. It used to be my own machinations." I had already returned to my head. My preoccupation made final goodbyes quick and easy and I'd regret it, but I became hypnotized in order to calculate the pairings and the relational tree that unfurled like an escape ladder. I thought it ended today, but I did things in the name of death, I stacked the lifespans that we deserved on top of each other and I demanded something at the top. If humans couldn't take it, I couldn't be the scariest thing, its not possible.

I wanted to be annihilated, I gave myself up so many times I was fragments. There's people who moth to flame suicide, they think its the dao, theres people who on a lower tier are affected by the sick rapture, there are people who experience both, there are people in my life who know something I dont and kno I won't do it.

2 feb

Eboy Crib Philadelphia

Guy from my afformented dream with the Haneke bedroom shared a tiktok of his "reverse feng shui" crib "redirecting good energy away from my roommate to me" he will only say things he already said on his twitter that was received well. The tiktok felt like a continuation of my dream, I feel proud that I was able to boil down his rooms aesthetics and rebuild another set up that felt 100 percent accurate with different articles of furniture. New additions which he mentioned to me the final time we hooked up was a giant print out poster of a gun wall above his bed, he showed in the tiktok everything he showed to me: 100 dollar bill rug and Ayn Rand book with gun stored in pages. The tiktok started out like: what feminine products do u have in ur crib for female visitors. "I have a bucket of blue liquid in my shower." I remember bragging to people as I brag about anyone I've had a crush on that he ran with Olympic runners and no one gave a fuck but me. He wore a metal chain, and a pinstripe blazer that I wore in 2017 and was called Michael Jackson by my boss's boss over a T shirt and the mid spectrum color of denim thats close to blue green. So clearly this person is someone who went alt for the first time in 2020, there is photographic proof if I hadn't reached that conclusion from him showing up in a fuzzy seafoam green bucket hat on new years. OK also he was right that music videos are a waste. another conclusion that I should've reached when that ogre looking motherfucker was like: MUSIC VIDEOS ARE THE PERFECT SYNTHESIS OF THE TWO BEST ART FORMS. I can't share the same opinions as an ogre.

2 fuck u

Greedy Drake: I Need a Two Dance

One time I wrote that reading other peoples writing was the most effective therapy and rehabilitation, maybe it wasn't my own thought it was a universal truth, I saw ppl who liked it say it again later, and in January I saw the same admittance on a writers story. It's like pulling hair out of clogged drain to write this out but briefly i noticed ppl writing more, but it doesnt matter cause a wave of influence lasts for a week and a half. I'm ingratiated like, emotional cause my supply ran out, panic is a fast all american water park slide, that's why it's important to transport your headspace, not only for you, but for others who are panicked and their vignette begins to swell to a pinlight. On my walk I remembered I wanted a lot of fucked up things to happen to me. By the time I was 18 it did, but the only thing I wanted to write about was shame and failed connections with stupid people, that was culturally relevant, especially as a girl, but I felt the confines of how I could plump the content and the way I was trying to imitate the zeitgeist made me feel like I sucked ass. Like if you're thinking: why would anyone care, that's an indication you're shying away too much and not making anything good.

Panic is like when your atoms are being materially compromised, which can be an indicator, that you're on the precipice of a consciousness submersion and your trajectory is pulling you but youre frantically treading water to stay at a neutralized baseline. And then your brain vomits every justification. I wanted to say I could hear in this person's words when they weren't telling the truth or they were reiterating something they adopted, which has a perplexing quality, something hollow cloaked with a beautiful Opal like cloth that had that quality in everything he said that came from him. I said he was dungeon coded but he was actually mother/baroque pearl. On the topic of mania and letting the monster reign he said he would die. I'm not saying that this was a lie, or something adopted, there's no way of knowing. For me, I feel dead as a baseline, I've felt dead since I was 8. I wanted to commit suicide at 9, consistent theme in my writing from 8-17 was: why does nothing feel good or enough. I feel alive when I'm an addict, I feel alive when I'm suffering, when I'm crying about others suffering and others love. Cried yesterday on my walk home cause a dog was looking lovingly at its owner like a emoji like wtf. From 4-8 I drew a lot of sexual pictures and blacked them out, I remember feeling excited everyone was occupied watching a movie on the otherside of the house so I could really focus and draw one in detail. When I was finished it scared me that someone would find out and I got every sharpie in the basement to layer on the thickest blackout. I got caught once. My grandparents asked me what was the meaning of the pictures. The one they were the most concerned about was I drew a family crying over dead people, the family was blonde. I lied and said the divorce affected me. The funniest part is I knew they found the entire stack and when presented to me like an interrogation my most perverted drawing was missing. I thought the dead family was the least concerning picture but they must have been concerned on a self preservation level. They always found Victorias secret under my bed when I was 7, and I loaded the family home computer with porn viruses in the 4th grade, and I fucked with Deviantart cause they had nude photography.

admittance in writing, if there is the slightest potential for it to be refreshing, if possible, has to come from what your justification story shrouds. My death is constantly returning. I felt ashamed of being an addict end of last year, I strove to shroud in my performance of vulnerability. but the battle to escape the sentence is one of the most imperative tool I have to make something good quality. I have to fight to imagine a domain where the chemicals that dont reach me from my body can reach me in another world in an impossible way. I torture every person I love because they're a half life too, inevitable vanishing effect, and I need so much to feel alive. Anyways this weekend I will fall into my misery at my own confines because addiction and being alive is a shroud as well. I long to be propelled into a new being I can occupy by subjecting myself to incompatible fucked up ringer. I remember being so afraid of rollercoasters and being perturbed by the concept because I felt there were more than enough things in real life to scare u until releasing adrenaline.

ddsdaad

Full Name or Nickname

I took trolley yesterday, getting tired of the sights of my walk. U barely get reception and being in the tunnels has a suspension effect. Nick replied while I was in the tunnel, after I was like: ppl kept saying it was weird I called my projects compositions. He was like: I was really nervous once about hanging my shit in this persons apartment for some kind of gallery and kept calling my stuff "composites" LOL. I have 2 friends now I can message between 6 to 8 am. Today, he said he showed the master gilder at his job bambi art cause hes chinese and he called it garbage and "not art".

this isn't related to him, but I think there should be a holding pattern where your crush is corny lol, does something unevocative, one moment then absolutely taps into something that scratches the deep itch. That suspension (callback, why the tunnels feel good now) spikes my most natural curiosity... Sometimes I wonder, why do you keep checking... i kno u hate it here. To see it for what it is, with the subconscious dam broken, yes ur language is very much real, ur silly for waiting for that to be externally affirmed; it's like being a fish shrinking into the size of the plankton to fit through the net ur caught with. I was naive to try to food process it into domestic love. I pair different parts of time together to make sense and to cull the voracity of emotional trauma lol.

We talked about how collaborating can bring out some OCD tendency, I am tortured by my executive dysfunction and can't wait for this project to be over. I see a lot of things, asking for short cuts like a game guide, how wanting to impress him kept me ingenuine. And I remember my real role, I don't feel good at writing, but at least I can conjure escapist imagery. The net is important, because the rope of the net I imagine is a noose in a network like a cape or train of a bride that drags for like 1/8 of a mile when I walk. And I imagined I'd run to counter the weighted force of the material. I trim the weeds with doubt daily, displace the fantasy preemptively, setting myself up for potential failure of effectivity. The younger healer is the darker one, he stares at the closed resting face of the giant metal girl. He stares at her eyelids. Her head opens up, Nick compared it to a cartoon trope of a tiny villain inside a head of a big monster, the older healer is inside resting too, the point of this is to evoke a feeling of ur concentration and regenerative solitude being interrupted or robbed, the reveal of another nearby. If you set up the pathway in dialogue I will tell the full truth, which was a frustrating dynamic in the previous contact because I am a truthful person but I was supposed to do that without tracks being layed. This happened though, he said I relate to tired characters, and I was like well ofc one of the healers is you. I feel fear of being tortured again by impasses that hault a synthesis that would make me feel temporarily united in my chest. This is why I'm playing with time too, to create another version of me there waiting to catch me when it happens again. I'm very happy to have been bestowed an open world to create a new key legend. There is one thing I refrain from writing, I wonder if its the equivalent of a GPS path going red like, pleeeassseeee make a uturn asap.

one of my 6-8 am friends sent me a 720p video of the place he celebrated his wife's b day at last night, being burned down. The sweet potato dick guy's stories seemed cool again, he was remixing like 5 sec videos of like snapchat videos on his tv, aspect ratio fucked, of his friends into a sound clip and harmonizing with them or something absent mindedly, and the tv stand was in front of his kitchen counter and had an array of books like the giant tables under a warehouse ceiling in like a BJs or Samsclub/costco which I just now realize is a frequent setting in my dreams. The one good thing to come out of that interaction was being pleasantly surpised that his friend seems to have an affinity for the fact that "I go anywhere" like in terms of talking like a freak. theres a weird kind of loyalty, maybe cause he said he wants ppl to fall into the melodrama of his music and his friends don't want to go there and I guess I proved that I did cause he talked about waiting for the right time in love which I held the lyrics to my heart like when u have a new unit in ur language class, I saw on new years he lights up when I'm being myself. I was rubbing the hand of his girlfriend after we closed our eyes after taking bumps. I'm not going to their angel show tonight, I want to knock out this project, especially cause now those mid 30 something threesome couple is trying to infiltrate this group and is going to all the shows I go to now. Maybe they're going cause they miss me. Now my new friend is complaing to me about how Philly Showcase film screenings which is for some reason sold out is always racially based docs.

2feb202456

Crime and Obviously Punishment

you don't want your site layout to have the same displacement and nomadic inappropriate occupation as ur favorite objects in ur house (clothes). This was much more fun to write when I had an urgent deadline in 30 mins, eclipse habit. I took, u know, the first time with ppl last friday, usually do it alone. Some corny hermit martyr concept, oh u can't handle the darkenss. U have moments where ur like: oh this is so familar to me this was from long ago, and my friend who I met in person for the first time was calling Bullshit. At a point in my life where its cocky to think ur the only person who has seen some shit. Actually why I strived to come here, actual no class mobility, dual consciousness to have a nervous break when ur off the clock. I'm not going to fucking cry cause I'm not smart enough, u ever feel insecure about ur class and not in some subsidize my poor roleplay way. If I started fucking for money I could actually enter lower middle class, this is stupid that people will eat this type of shit topic. The ass part is my peers are like fighting their ass off for family for a house, I'm fighting my ass off for beauty hahaha. One thing I forgot to mention, before I left, I asked if the bathroom was upstairs. It was 4 am at the time, maybe 4:45. I had arrived around 8:35pm. My friend was like idk how you haven't used the bathroom this whole time, and I laughed like, me neither and thought about that exchange while looking at this like chibi cat that replaced the knob on the sink.

I had dreams of multiple ppl last night. Ok quick interjection. I'll share this here cause I can't tell if this is tactless. I just hide needy reply guys from my shit who i know could be supplemented by literally anyone, why are they here I'm very specifc, specific to a point where I doubt that even specific people can take it, could u imagine a win win situation for two specific people? sounds humane. Socialization is cuthroat dance, why my ego got shot cause I know what its like to talk to someone draining haha I SWORE to never be that person, thats stupid to swear tho, but it has to be replenishing and ascending. If thats my choice then it's inevitable, like other ppl higher on the stalk etc. Like i said their: btw im here! I like you! feels like micromanaging, yeah and what a pleasant stretch of hours when i forgot! and in the summer i heard this justification and it puzzled me but I accepted it but now it irritates me: posting is public, if you dont' want someone to like and respond to ur story and if ur going to act like its intruding then dont share it. true but, why do u sound like you can't accept that it works vice versa. Anyways my dream. Post ideal guy, had a growing blemish on his face, hahaha but he looked so cute like in this one photo where he looks like a little cartoon like chipmunk or something. it multiplied like semi colon, idk we were on the floor a lot by the kitchen island like in the Tarentino Foxy Brown movie with Rob Deniro smoking a bong in that apartment, he was smiling in my face and in the dream i was really trying to look at him like soak it up, cause he looked so happy one, and two he looked young from like 3 years ago, and his dream manifestation was getting flustered from it. weird. The dude I literally hooked up with the next fucking day after I got obliterated. (literally: damn he articulated the fuck outta that). and I fucked again and even tho i was there like were not going to and I didnt even like it. I feel like I was wearing some bam bam fruity pebbles loin cloth and that shit just fell to the ground like a paper bag and then he pulled my inner thighs to hover over him. His fucking room was like that Haneke movie of the dude who keeps watching like animal killings? like he just vcr recorded him taking off his multiple pants. I was literally just there to smoke a cig and he pulled a hospital curtain then I was trapped in his stupid room. I was like blowing him, his huge ass dick, and his like iphone camera is pressed right against my face and im like will ppl know this is a dick or a sweet potato. ofc we got walked in on and I'm the one who looks fucking stupid and ofc there are these like andy millenoakis (fuck u i dont care) type syndromed adults looking for their bag in a sea of everyone's shit or just standing there like roblocks. then ofc I find out that this dude also fucked my coworker and she was obsessed with him and i mostly felt shitty cause I felt like I had to be diplomatic. but also felt gross for being in his line up like that machine at the cleaners. He immeditately disappeared and this ugly airconditioning unit extended into a super convincing robot dog and I thought about buying one even tho I thought its resting form was so ugly and prob required a shit ton of watts. The last guy was a tumblr guy, who i've been mutuals with for a long time but this was the first year we talked. He was like lets date (in real life) i was like I need to get over someone first (at the time, lol petty) and he was like come to montreal and I was like I will in April maybe and he was like come sooner and I was like no. But he came over my place, in the dream, I liked talked to him the few times we did, I did my stupid eastern astrology chart, in real life, and he was liek I dont watch derpy shit cause it will make me derpy. In the dream I used the bathroom and a shit ton of thick ass blood came out of me and it was so thick in the toilet it wouldn't flush. He had to use the bathroom and I forgot I hadn't fixed the problem. He came out disappointed like, dude there was a massive amount of crazy blood in the toilet and i didn't turn the light on cause that shit was like...not actually glowing but glowing from how jarring of an image that was. I came up with a lie on the fly like: that was martin luther king jr's kid's abortion u just saw. and he laughed his ass off.

2 february

Composition

Nick sent me pictures from his work haul today, a painting of a squiggly snoopy esque person looking through a thick wood outlined window to view a person leaning or sleeping on a trunk covered in clothes. Absentmindedly said outloud, I have an idea. What's your idea? unsuspecting inquiry. Now, imagine as the reader that I told u my new world build idea, think of a world that you think I have thought up at this moment in my life and let it carry you away and awespire you lol. I try to pay attention when I'm vague. He was one of the characters but I didn't tell him that, he's the older healer haha. Both healers are always tired, theyre always resting from being drained, or theyre laying down hiding. Hope he doesn't ask me if I'm the giant metal girl. I like how whats his face 2 is also supposed to be in the story, literally he leads a pack of albino hunters in the midwest/plains in a 12/7 blue golden hour. I'm not interested in his future trajectory, so his part feels like a husk. Oh, you got a glimpse. When I was trying to fill in the parts where I was vague, I thought about tying together all of the stories. I stopped heartfelt writing cause obv it was tired 1, 2, the words were like velcro hooks, and the situation begs for a more expansive/genius view, that cloying velcro prevented. But when I envisioned tying the stories together i started crying again. To connect them all like the top of a tent, to ascend to tie the point with twine, I had to utilize every input especially the one that was crying kicking screaming going limp to be dragged to revolt out of fear. The point was so high it was going to draw blood from the underbelly of darkness and she was begging me not to, don't hurt it you don't want to do that, and sometimes you see someone freaking out like that you can't put urself in their position, u maybe doubt the reason for why theyre so scared, but the dull placidity in my intuition's lake makes me suspicious. Or maybe I believed nothing was wrong, and I had to just hold her and wait it out.

what the darkness feels like, is this violent sex between the past and the future. ur watching like is this rape. vitriol on both ends slows the motion down into abstracted stills, I try to tear and stretch the hole so that I can discern who is winning and if the past is the future, and if the pain is from the tear or from the past. If the pain is from the future then that's a relief because I'd feel bookended. cyclical domination effect like wash cycle, then b/c all u can do is envision something jarring like a birth out the mouth that snaps the ones bottom jaw, and shoots through the mouth of the other out the back of the head. ur not talented enough to proceed, the insight underneath the shroud stops there.

31 January these will be deleted when launch sigh

Shit talk

Finally, I can talk shit. God FUCKING DAMN IT. OK my bit was: my only 'zone of interest' is being fucking insufferable. They know when I'm being annoying and that's when they check *heartbreak*. There used to be this eyesore giant satellite dish in this person's backyard that looked abandoned when I'd walk 30 mins to my friends house in middle school. for some reason I imagined that person just rotting in their chair like the iceman but having crystal clear tele reception, something about the backyard was like: this person is dead as fuck. All that to say when I'm being annoying, I imagine that satellite but it's made out of baked cheese and it sends out a green microwave wave and ppl check my broadcast and press their temples. I know I prob flubbed the landing from excessive ADHD shorty talk, frankly used to be a lot worse so we can kiss our fingers and raise them to the sky for that.

He was like: Ive wanted to fuck you so bad for so long. UGH. while he was inside me too. i was like, in my head, i'm one of those bags of gravel from home depot ur fucking a home depot product dumb bitch. You run the risk of someone's sentence tinnitusing any time u talk to a mfer. Do. better. He was pissing me the fuck off, he was my last friend in west. I was gloating too like haha I've alienated all the annoying music ppl I met this summer, then the one liked my story like FUCK. Anyways he pissed me off, he kept saying twitter shit to my stories like ,tf, and I was like. its not for u if u dont get it but I wanted to be meaner, that stuff is annoying its like gifted child syndrome, u want to hog spotlight to do an expired himbo bit, ur belly button lint bro. I've wanted to fuck u- Im stupid. I was supposed to be untouchable, i still am. he says that and then gets his heartbroken by someone else then gets all needy and asks me at 1 am like: what are you doing like he thinks hes entitled. Its a turn off when ppl can't tell you didnt fuck with it, you kinda smell like salami, thats not a superior neg I prob smell like a boy. Then hes like Im an artist now making pictures that look like turds and overinflated penis. Hes asking me, are you okay dude whats wrong, and hey havent talked to you in a while whats up whats been happening, like its not obvious hes salivating, I see people just vacuous they just wanna put an esoteric fuck in their pocket, oh you got cool now, you keep getting cooler, um is ur head run by roaches? fucking corporate roach headquaters and ur skull is the CEO lounge. pulling ony my coat tail. Oh you posted a pic of your apartment i will too, im scanning ur new pictures, I can feel the deep set eye, im studying how to become an artist. after I wrote this he messaged me, I thought you didnt fuck with me anymore. don't say a meme. but even if you didn't that's chill anyways. Then why are u messaging me. They said in the podcast: if ur an artist from scranton youre gonna push to show ur work in manhattan. host was like hahaha not philly? canadian guy was like no. not philly.

31 January

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